Looking for the best Pitch

That audio guy's weird laugh is more entertaining than pudge SUPer.

My elevator pitch:
Look, I know we don't have a lot of time...we don't even have a lot of time on Earth you know man? You look like you're a sporting man. A man who likes a challenge, and is looking to get in shape. My brother in law used to have this huge sympathetic pregnancy, you know, the kind where a man looks like he's having a food baby, and his breasts are foaming Sierra Nevada? Anyway, we're hanging out at my place, playing some Mario Cart on the game cube, and he says to me ..."I'm going to get in shape, and have fun doing it" and I'm like "Yeah right, look at you, you're a mess! You're such a worthless hog, and the only exercise you can do is moving your hand to your mouth. Look, when you stand up in the shower, can you even see your penis anymore? That big mound there, it eclipses your junk. Can you even clean yourself anymore, or reach around to wipe your ass when you're on the can? I bet you can't. I bet that you miss seeing your small penis and two balls in the shower." Then he got angry at me. Really angry. He looked as if he was about to explode. His face was red, as if I had completely humiliated him. He took the tray of tater tots we were working on and flinged it against my wall, and it actually clapped flush against the wall, leaving a large round and red circle where the quadrant of ketchup was on the tray. He looked at me absolutely furious, threw the controller down to the ground and stood up. He looked like a bull and shouted "FUCK YOU I'M GETTING IN SHAPE NOW TO PROVE YOU WRONG!".
And that's where his transformation began, right in that moment of anger, humiliation, and anguish. Right there was the decision to get in shape. Right then and there, was the decision to get outside, be active, and be in God's loving and caring hands in nature, and experience and drink in all that he could, before ultimately, he could do nothing. He seized that moment of despair, and turned it around from something negative, to something positive, for him. And what did he do? All he did was go to the store, and get a Nalu Stand Up Paddle board. You can call it a Nalu SUP if you want, but I call it a life saver. Before you leave here, and go on your own way, I want you to know that you too can be saved. Get a life saver, and drink it all in.

I was tempted to rent a SUP while I was up in Tahoe, then I saw the masses of SUPs already on the lake and opted to just get a swim in.